To Work At A Circus, Part 4

It wasn’t like this in the beginning, she recalled.

In the beginning, it all glowed with promise and prospect. She got a taste for it early in life and couldn’t shake the feeling that this was what she was meant to do. Even when she was on the wrong side, the losing side, the side that didn’t deserve to win at all, she always found a way to somehow be in the right.

But as time tolled on — in the way that only time can do — she found herself thinking more and more that things had, in fact, been fundamentally different in the beginning.

She couldn’t remember when the shift happened. She couldn’t really tell if it was her who changed or the whole system itself, but one day it was as if the curtains had been pulled back and light streamed in, and she could see for the first time all the dark, rank things surrounding her all around. Once they were seen, they couldn’t be unseen, and the questions flooded in all at once.

What am I doing?
Where am I going?

How did I get here?